Saturday, October 29, 2011
Riddle 25 and 26
Waking up. It's a odd thing that most carbon based lifeforms have a tendency to do once their sleep has reached an end. Different people wake up different ways, after different forms of resting. Diversity is key. Some people wake up like a crazy person, arms flailing, noise blaring. Some people are on a hair trigger and those people typically kill the first person they, assuming that the intruder were an assassin sent to kill them. Some awake slowly, like a lazy cat on a windowsill
I am normally a cat person. I wake up slowly and calmly, as if it had all been apart of my diabolical scheme and no, I'm not just lazy.
This time I found myself awake, without a feeling of drowsiness leaving my mind. One moment I was staring into the eyes of a beautiful maiden, as we walked for eternity. Then I was looking at Cheri's dull ceiling. My eyes felt like they hadn't closed or even moved for hours, minus the eyestrain. My body wasn't tired, and it lacked a normal, post sleep condition.
I looked down at the girl sleeping innocently on top of me. For a reason that will never be known humankind, much less myself, I put my arms around her comfortingly, and gave her a warm hug. I could feel her conscience return. I shut my eyes, but beyond that I made no attempt to feign sleep.
"Morning sleepyhead." My eyes were open now, and I could see her looking around before grabbing my wrist in order to see my watch. Her hand fell back on my chest with a thump, and she let out a sigh accompanied with a spoken phrase.
"School today..." I stared at her for a bit.
"You heard me..." My Watson replied sleepily. I blinked owlishly.
"We have had school the past couple of days, haven't we?"
A three second pause was all that happened, then the realization of that statement hit us.
"Shit shit shit!"
We bolted up out of our incredibly soft position, well, it was that way for me at least, and begun getting ready for school as if someone hit the overdrive button on our operating system.
As though waken by our vigor, Nazo came down the stairs and asked, "Why must you make noise? Why can't you just be locked in a room, bound by a straightjacket, and have your vocal cords removed?"
I glanced up at him, shocked out of my hurrying state by his sudden, but realistically expected, appearance. I pointed to the room he just exited.
"Stay in Cheri's room until we get back! We have... unfortunate business to attend to."
"Forgot to use a condom?" Nazo asked with absolute seriousness on his face. That was, until he felt a bit of his golden hair separate from him. He turned around to see a kitchen knife, embedded to the handle, sticking out of the wall behind him.
He revolved back around, eyes a bit wider than normal. Nazo saw Cheri, who had an eerily similar knife in her hand. It was almost as if she had thrown the first one, but as I would attest to the cops, she must certainly did not.
"Now Probi." she said sweetly. "What are you going to do now?"
He gulped before replying in his normal tone. "Think I will go relax in your room for a while, at least until you get back."
"Good!" Cheri said with a smile that reminded me of a kindergarten teacher who took great pleasure out of making children suffer. We made a motion to leave.
"Wait." My Watson and I turned around, and asked with merely a raised eyebrow.
"What am I supposed to do in the meantime?" I sighed and pulled out a deck of standard playing cards from my bag, which I then tossed to the boy. He caught it with expert skill.
"Playing cards? But who am I supposed to play with?"
"Yourself. It's called solitaire for a reason." I called out as I walked out the door, which the Cheri behind me shut as she did the same. From what I could imagine, Nazo looked down at the cars in his hand and said.
"But I don't know how to play solitaire..."
Riding with only one passenger is exponentially easier than riding with two or more. Due to this, Cheri and I were able to get to the school in record time. Not to mention there wasn't a single pedestrian seriously harmed or injured. I believed that we really were improving our multi-person bike riding skills. There were screams of course, but that was more likely because of our insane speed than any lack of control. That said, I soon discovered that when Cheri first talked to me she wasn't registered, and at the time she was only visiting. I told her that I would stay with her while she got her schedule and everything, mainly so I could have ask her how she was just now being enrolled into the school when her dad had lived here for as far as my memory went back. It also gave me the appearance of a good servant. She brushed it off and said that I had already skipped enough classes. I begrudgingly agreed, and went off to my first period; English.
My English teacher, Mr. Russ, was a rather young man, yet seemed to carry himself with the air of a man who had been alive longer than the English language itself. That might explain why he knew it so damn well. I held some suspicions about him being the real Shakespeare, as he apparently had every line of every play that the bard had ever written, and would often quiz us on random trivia that no one had any idea about. Needless to say, the entire class was failing this course. To circumvent that, I had forced myself to read the complete works of Shakespeare, and that is the only reason I was passing that class. While a lot of people complained about the difficulty of the class, I enjoyed it, if only because Mr. Russ had given up on trying to challenge me, and let me sleep in peace.
As I walked into the classroom, a familiar figure greeted me.
"I see our intrepid hero has decided to grace us with his presence today." Mr. Russ spoke loudly with a small smile on his face. I avoided the development of an embarrassing reaction, and just raised my eyebrow in a way that seemed to increase the width of his smile ever so slightly.
"Since I am the charismatic hero, then who are you sir?" I asked.
"The Virgil to your Dante of course."
"Thankfully a tour of the nine circles is not in the syllabus, you virtuous pagan." His smile was now gleaming in the luminescent light provided by the overhead lamps, for he knew the Divine Comedy was not in this year's curriculum, and the only way for me to be able to verbally duel him in this way, I would have to have read it for my own amusement.
He let me go to my seat without any further questions, so I walked to the back of the classroom, pulled out my seat, and immediately after that my head fell onto the desk while I began to slowly drift into a hopefully dreamless sleep. The last thing I remember hearing was Mr. Russ, as he berated the class for getting a question wrong on something.
Alas, true happiness can only be attained for brief periods of time. The door opened, which I heard from my state in between sleep and consciousness. Assuring that it was just someone going to the bathroom or getting a drink of water, I kept my head down. Mr. Russ was saying something about a new student.
'No, it can't possibly be…'
Only when I heard her voice did my head jerk up. All my hopes at a peaceful period were dashed instantly.
"Hello, my name is Cheri McHale and I look forward to long and fruitful class with all of you." My master said this in a tone that made me think that she was only talking to me.
"Excellent introduction Ms. Cheri. Since you are new, go ahead and sit next to Noah, he will explain everything perfectly." Mr. Russ winked at me as he said this, no doubt thinking that he was doing me a huge favor by having the hot new student sit next to me, and I desperately hoped that this would be his only attempt at play matchmaker with his favorite student.
Both guys and girls grumbled and murmured in jealously. Boys because that bastard Noah got to sit next to the cute new girl, and the girls because, in my honest and humble opinion, none of them compared to Cheri in any one of the three dimensions that high school boys judged girls on, hips; waist; and chest.
My Watson sat down next to me, and reached out a redundant had of greeting.
"I look forward to sitting next to you Noah." The room was quiet from where I sat as the implications of this seating arrangement bounced around inside my skull. This was the class where I slept; it was the only way to catch up with all the various troubling actions that occur inside my house. As I finished my analysis, two words left my mouth.
"What was that Noah?" Mr. Russ asked.
"Nothing sir, nothing at all." I responded, before sliding my lackluster notes over to Cheri. My voice the spoke in a quiet tone, " Here you go, have fun."
She pouted and whispered, "You aren't very nice to new people." into my ear. Shivers went down my spine, and an aura of accented animosity appeared (although my amazingly amiable anima was almost affected) among the academically associated soon-to-be-alumni allocated in the already apathetically achieved classroom.
"Noted." I replied in a manner that I thought was sufficient. And with that I went back to my sleep.
Time passed by like a hurricane and I soon found myself walking briskly, as to escape my female stalker, to my next class. Once the door to the Chemistry lab was right in front of me, I turned my head back. Walking right behind me was my Watson.
"What are you doing here?" I asked while simultaneously predicting what she was going to say.
"Going to class."
"… Crap." That said, I went into class and slept; Again. And Cheri sat down next to me; Again. This trend continued on for the rest of the day. Only when 5th period came around did I finally raise an inquiry about this.
"May I ask you something?" Which was a completely redundant sentence, but at this point I hardly cared. She pretended to think about it for a bit.
"Of course; if you raise your hand." She replied; a smirk on her face telling me that actually following up on such a demeaning requirement would lower my position in the eyes of society, and that I would become the lowest form of life that was so entirely whipped that lash marks would be visibly present on the next ten generations of my family line. No man in history would raise their hand, even if it cost them their life, for manly pride was something that not even life could match in value.
I raised my hand.
"How the hell are you in most classes?" I asked while pretending not to care.
"Pure coincidence." Was all she said.
"Bullshit.", was all I needed to say. "Let me see your schedule." When she acquiesced to my request, I muttered darkly under my breath. "I hate the administration." Cheri was in every single one of my classes, even sixth and seventh period; my two electives. My hand was massaging my temples in a vain attempt to remove the nagging headache that had appeared suddenly. My other, opposite appendage handed her back her schedule. I was stonewalled, trapped in an unwinnable situation.
"Come on, we'll be late for history if you keep being sullen." Cheri expertly dodged all future question I could ask, leaving no choice but for me to follow her to my- I'm sorry- our next class.
History was hell. Both the class I was attending, and the past itself. My teacher was probably the most inquisitive person in the whole world, so instead of lecturing us on useless trivia, he decided to spend his and our time asking Cheri intrusive questions, which prevented ME from sleeping because she had, like every other time today, sat next to me. Fortunately, I had lunch next, which meant that I could finally eat, something I hadn't done since yesterday.
I sat down at an empty table, my Watson right beside me. Once the chicken sandwich was just a few centimeters from its consumption, I was interrupted… again. Though in Cheri's defense, she wasn't the current cause of the disturbance. Well she was, but indirectly, for she was the root of the tree that was my troubles. The branch that was trying to whack me in the face was a Ms. Allison Scott, the person one would look at and immediately throw her into the cheerleader category that they used to sort people. She protested that stereotype violently, as she was a volleyball player, and hence had the possibility of possessing brain cells normally denied to cheerleaders. I personally considered her one of the most useless souls on the planet, a fact that I had often told her to her face, however that was just the view of one man; a man that she had attempted, and often succeeded, in harassing or otherwise driving insane since kindergarten. I was obviously not bitter or biased in the slightest.
"Hey Noah!" I sighed and put my sandwich down.
"What do you want Allison?"
"No need to get snooty Noah, I was just wondering who your new friend was." She said with a semi-innocent tone in her voice. I knew better, and so I handed her off to my Watson.
"If you want to know someone's name, then ask them." This made Allison roll her eyes.
"Fine. You." She pointed a painted fingernail at Cheri. "What is your name?"
Cheri took a break from eating what I later realized was my sandwich and said, "It is typical for one to give their name before asking the same of others." Before standing up with conviction and holding out a hand of greeting. I mentally cheered. Allison took it with a face of near disgust and shook it with only a thumb and forefinger, akin to how one might pick up a trash bag.
"Allison Scott, vice captain of the volleyball team."
"Cheri McHale, member of the Hominidae family. Now, is there anything else your disdainful presence wishes to know about me." My adoration and respect for my owner was increased ten fold right then, and I had a feeling that it wouldn't stop there.
The athlete let out a huff of indignation and asked, "Depends on how desperate you are for a boyfriend that you needed a contract to get one?"
While my partner may have had a wonderful comeback, I believed that mine might have had a bit more sting in it.
"It is monstrously more effective than trying to get a guy to date by promising to sleep with him. All those bad breakups through the years say wonders about your bedside manner." For some reason, I felt Nazo send a imaginary high five my way, as I contemplated how she knew about the chess game and the contract, as we were basically alone and ignored that day. That was a feeling that I missed desperately.
The recipient of my comeback was fuming now, as she decided to attempt to return fire. "I don't even want to know what you freaks do at night." This did not address the issue of her being a slut, but whatever. Then Cheri spoke up.
"Well, freaks are an endangered species, and it is our duty to the environment to repopulate." I noticeably yawned once she finished, and when the girls looked over at me I sheepishly continued with where my partner left off.
"I'm sorry, but all the environmental help we did last night really cut into my sleep pattern." Allison turned a bright red before turning around and stomping off, leaving two amused detectives with full blown grins on their faces in her wake.