Open House: The Reason Why You Lock Your Doors

AN OPEN HOUSE: THE REASON WHY YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS

A Play in One Scene

by

Sean Jones

Cast of Characters

Clayton: One of the owners of the house. CLAYTON is bright, attractive, and resourceful. Because of this, not only is he the only character in a relationship, but he is often seen as the 'Idea Guy', and much of the plot revolves around other characters coming to him. Dresses well, semi formal, dress shirt needed. Aged 19-25.

Alejandra: ALEJANDRA is an extremely attractive girl, enough so that multiple people would fight over her. She has a bit of a reputation, but that only makes her fanboys squeal more. She dresses a bit provocatively, a short dress or skirt is recommended. Aged 19-25

Darryl: DARRYL is Clayton's best friend and housemate, but sometimes its hard to see why. The reason probably that Darryl always has Clayton's best interests in his heart, except when he doesn't care Probably Asexual, he doesn't care for romance, which puts him at odds with the rest of the characters. Dresses lazily. Aged 19-25

Kenya: KENYA is one of Clayton's friends. She has a crush on Julio, but is too shy to tell him. Is a bit, 'girl next door'ish. Aged 19-25

Julio: JULIO is socially awkward, and not good with people. Because of that, his only real friends are Clayton and Kenya, maybe Darryl. He has a huge crush on Alejandra. Aged 22-27

Pizza Boy: PIZZA delivers pizza that he eats when he gets there. Younger or the same age as the main cast.

Burgalar: BURGALAR is actually a big teddy bear inside. In his thirties

Police Man:Is one of the POLICE. In his fourties.

Scene

Clayton and Darryl's living room.

Time

The present.

ACT I

Scene 1

SETTING: The setting is Clayton and Darryl’s house, more specifically, the living room, and it is being prepared for Clayton’s date. There is a table on which candles/romantic things are placed, along with some food. There is a couch, big enough for multiple people, but small enough that if someone got on it everyone else on it would know. There is a TV positioned to bee seen from the couch(C). There are three doors, one kitchen(SR), one closet(UL), and a front door(SL) though the kitchen door can be replaced with a staircase if the director desires.

RISE: It is bright. The whole room is lit up with lights. CLAYTON enters carrying trays of food, candles, etc, and sets them down on the table. The he walks over to a dimmer switch and turns the lights down a bit. He starts to prepare.

CLAYTON

(While preparing)

Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

(He checks his watch, but that only makes him more worried)

I knew I should have asked a girl for help with this, but I guess its too late now.

(He shakes his head and continues to prepare)

This room isn't ascetically pleasing enough, if only Darryl would let me paint the walls a more colorful tone. And the flowers should be roses, red as her lips, and the water as clear as her eyes, and the food as brown as her hair... Never mind. Rather, I should have been ready minutes, no, hours, no days ago! But I just didn't have the time to do it!

(Checks his watch again)

I still have ten minutes, I should be fine. Just relax Clayton, everything will be fine.

(ALEJANDRA enters from the front door)

ALEJANDRA

Surprise!

CLAYTON

(Yelps)

Alejandra! What are you doing here so early! Moreover, how did you get in?

ALEJANDRA

Well, the door was unlocked, and as for me being so early, I thought that some extra time together would be greatly appreciated.

CLAYTON

I could have sworn that thing was locked.

(Goes over to lock the front door)

Thats all fine and everything, but I haven't finished setting up!

ALEJANDRA

(Making her way over to the couch CLAYTON follows)

Then lets just get down to what we both want.

CLAYTON

Oh? Whats that?

(ALEJANDRA kisses him, surprising him. But after a moment he shrugs his shoulders and kisses her back. This continues for a few moments before DARRYL enters from kitchen door, a tray of pineapple in his hand. He completely ignores them, and sits down next to them on the couch. He picks up the remote and turns on the TV. The sound of a football announces voice startles the couple.)

DARRYL

Oh, hello there. Having a nice time you two?

CLAYTON

We were until you showed up!

(Gets up and pulls DARRYL to the side)

Dude, we talked about this beforehand, you knew that she was coming over today, because I repeated told you again and again and again, because I knew that you were going to do this. Every time I bring a girl over, you will always always always interupt us in some way. That is why I usually go over to their house instead, but today you promised, you said, in theses exact words,

(Making quotation marks in the air)

”Just, Chillax bro, I wont interupt you this time, I swear” But no, you're standing... here, being all cocky, looking at me as if I'm insane, I'm not insane, I'm just stressed, I have been helping Bob with that log cabin of his and Alice with applying for that moddeling job, I haven't been able to have a spare moment to prepare. So what does big bad Darryl do? He interrupts me when I happen to be making out with a hot girl!

(Gestures wildly at ALEJANDRA)

I mean, for Chrissakes, there was a sock on the door! Do not break the bro code man, do not break the bro code!

(There is a pause while DARRYL stares blankly at CLAYTON)

DARRYL

Dude, I did not call you a lax bro, that just doesn't make sense. And also, I think that you should be thanking me instead of going out on wild accusations.

CLAYTON

And why is that!?

DARRYL

Because you are stressed, and remember what our moms would always tell us?

CLAYTON

Don't go to be angry, annoyed, or stressed?

DARRYL

Exactly, and I figured that if I allowed that to continue, that would have been what happened. Here, have some pineapple.

(DARRYL offers some pineapple, CLAYTON takes some.)

CLAYTON

Wow, I'm sorry man, I didn't realize...

DARRYL

Its cool man, I also just figured you need some pineapple. Pineapple always fixes problems, and it will surely make you feel like yourself again.

CLAYTON

Your right. Pineapple does fix everything. Thanks a bunch.

(Eats some pinapple)

Mhmmm. In fact, I promise to keep a level head, be myself, for the rest of this date, I dont want to explode like I did that one time...

(DARRYL claps CLAYTON on the back. They share a chuckle.)

ALEJANDRA

Ummm....

CLAYTON

Oh, hello there.

(There is a awkward silence.)

So this is my housemate Darryl. Darryl, Alejandra, Alejandra, Darryl.

(They shake hands, awkwardly in ALEJANDRA's case, but DARRYL is relaxed.)

DARRYL

Don't you two mind me, I'll be off in the kitchen with a delicious pineapple and the knowledge of how to tie a piece of string in ten different knots. Have a good day.

(He exits, leaving CLAYTON and a confused ALEJANDRA.)

CLAYTON

So now what? Continue from where we left off?

ALEJANDRA

Actually, may I use the bathroom?

CLAYTON

Umm, sure, no problem just go through that door.

(He points at the door upstage.)

ALEJANDRA

Thanks.

(Exits through upstage door)

CLAYTON

Well that could have ended better. At least we still have time later... But spruce the place up while I can.

(He starts to clean the room. Continues for a bit. Then Kenya walks in through the front door.)

KENYA

Clayton,Clayton, I need you!

CLAYTON

Kenya? Hello? Wait...what? But... How did you get in?

KENYA

The door was unlocked, but thats hardly important.

CLAYTON

Maybe not for you...

(Goes over and relocks the door)

I must have not locked it properly.

KENYA

Yeah yeah whatever, hey, listen, I have a promblem, a huge problem, like a really really big problem!

CLAYTON

Whatever it is I'm sure I can be fixed.

KENYA

No no no, it can't be fixed yousee? It just can't. I screw up majorly, and it can't be fixed at all. Nope, not in the slightest. I'm doomed, I'm doomed, we are all doomed!

CLAYTON

Well if you calm down and tell me the problem I could perhaps fix it? But I can't know intil you tell me.

KENYA

(KENYA nods and walks over to the couch. Sits down on the couch.)

CLAYTON

(CLAYTON looks hesitently at the upstage door, but follows KENYA anyway and sits down next to her.)

KENYA

So theres this guy.

CLAYTON

Mhm.

KENYA

And hes so cute.

CLAYTON

Mhm.

KENYA

And adorable

CLAYTON

Mhm.

KENYA

And sexy.

CLAYTON

(getting exasperated)

Mhm.

KENYA

But he like likes this girl, like really like likes this girl.

CLAYTON

And the girl is?...

KENYA

Not me...

CLAYTON

Ah.

KENYA

So, we are friends, and all of a sudden, he starts asking me for advice right. Like how he should act around her, get on her good side, stuff, “only a girl could know”

CLAYTON

Go on.

KENYA

But the thing is, I may have sort of perhaps...

(Says the next part really quickly)

connvinced him to ask her out.

CLAYTON

Oh, and this probably didn't end well.

KENYA

Not really.

CLAYTON

Thought so, anyway, what happened?

KENYA

Well, after he asked her, we met up at our usual place, the local coffee shop, and normally he is all sweet and kind, but today he was really mad. Not like normal really mad at the world stuff, but he was mad at one specific girl.

CLAYTON

Was it the girl he asked out?

KENYA

Nope. It was me...

CLAYTON

Oh. I'm sorry.

KENYA

No! it doesn't end there! Then he starts going on a rampage that its MY fault that he was embarassed, MY fault! Granted, inside, I didn't want him to succeed, but I still had his best interests at heart!

CLAYTON

(Under his breath)

Crazy!

KENYA

I'm sorry what?

CLAYTON

Oh nothing. But let me take a wild shot in the dark, you have a crush on this boy... whats his name?

KENYA

I can't tell you, I wouldn't want to embarasses him even more

CLAYTON

Fair enough.

KENYA

But I do have a crush on him, a massive ridiculous, seeething, throbing, heartpounding, boneshaking, soulcrushing, footaching, toothcavitymaking, gigantourus crush on him!

CLAYTON

Thought so.

KENYA

So what do you suppose I do?

CLAYTON

Well, I think that...

(He takes a second to look him over)

Giving him some space for a bit would be the best option. After all, if this is anything like a classic teenage 90's movie, then he will eventually realize what he has lost, develop true romantic feelings for you, and confess his love to you at the high school dance.

KENYA

But we are to old to go to high school.

CLAYTON

Well, maybe not the school dance, but you still get my point, right!

KENYA

Mhm.

CLAYTON

Besides, you are a wonderfully...energetic girl, I can't see why he wouldn't like you...

KENYA

(starts to cry)

Thats so sweet!

(Buries her head into CLAYTON's chest and starts to bawl

CLAYTON

Whatnow?

(He doesn't push her off, but he looks around for some help somewhere. None is found. Then he gets his hand up and starts waving to DARRYL offstage.

DARRYL

(DARRYL sees this and comes running onlystage, skidding to a halt when he sees the girl.)

Dude, just a minute you had Alejandra, how the hell did you finish her so fast and get another girl so quick!

CLAYTON

It's Kenya you fool! And does it look like we are doing anything, “romantic”?!

DARRYL

Well, it looks like a majority of my relationship with Amy... But not really no.

CLAYTON

Thank you! Now if you could please get her off me, Alejandra could come outside any moment!

DARRYL

On it.

(Walks over to the couch and moves KENYA away.)

Hey Kenya, don't worry, its me.

KENYA

Oh hey Darryl, how are you doing?

DARRYL

Fine just fine, but I would love to talk to you about me and everything that isn't romantically inclinded over here in the kitchen...

KENYA

So you had a tub of ice cream?

DARRYL

Mhm.

KENYA

Alrighty then.

(Turns and bid goodbye to CLAYTON)

CLAYTON

Goodbye.

(They exit)

And good ridance! At least for a little bit!

ALEJANDRA

(Exits the bathroom and makes her way over the the couch.)

Sorry about that, where were we?

CLAYTON

If I were to hazard a guess, we were at the part with the making out.

ALEJANDRA

Thats what I thought too...

(She leans in to kiss him and puts a hand on his chest. Then she stops.)

Why is your chest wet.

CLAYTON

(looking frantically around the room.)

Umm. Umm. Umm. Body Oil?

(He cringes, expecting a bad response.)

ALEJANDRA

Aww, you should have told me, I would have loved to put some on you...

CLAYTON

Y-yeah, sorry about that, there is always next time?

ALEJANDRA

Absolutely.

CLAYTON

Well, back to work.

(They start to kiss again. All of a sudden, JULIO bursts into the center of the room, looking around frantically. CLAYTON and ALEJANDRA duck down, hoping not to be noticed. At some point CLAYTON lifts his head up and sees JULIO. A bit of silent whisphering to ALEJANDRA. Then CLAYTON jumps out to STAGE LEFT, distracting JULIO and thus giving time for ALEJANDRA to go to the kitchen.)

CLAYTON

Hello Julio!

JULIO

What!? Where the hell did you come from?

CLAYTON

That isn't important, but what is important is that you came here for advice, am I right?

JULIO

Yeah, how did you know.

CLAYTON

I have a sixth sense about these thing.

JULIO

You see dead people?

CLAYTON

No, but I do know when someone is coming for advice! But alas, I need a few more minutes to finish up with my last client.

JULIO

Are you going to charge me a nickel?

CLAYTON

Nope!

(starts pushing JULIO over to the UPSTAGE DOOR.)

But I am going to ask you to wait in the closet for a bit.

JULIO

But thats the bath-

CLAYTON

(Cuts him off by pushing him into the room and slamming the door closed. Then he frantically runs over to the STAGE LEFT DOOR and locks it.)

How in the seven hells does this thing keep getting undone?!

(A scream comes from OFFSTAGE RIGHT)

Oh now what?

(Kenya comes rushing in)

KENYA

(Schizophrenically)

Why is the devil-woman here?!

CLAYTON

Who?

KENYA

The devil-woman, Alejandra! The one I sort of convinced Julio to ask out. I was eating some delicious pineapple, simmering down, and then she appears, dressed in all black with huge pointed ear.

CLAYTON

You're kidding...

KENYA

No! Quick, we have to dispatch of her, where is the nearest pitchfork and torch emposium?!

CLAYTON

You know what?! I'll do it myself! Go away and protect yourself!

KENYA

Where?!

CLAYTON

(Looks around)

There!

(Pushes her into the UPSTAGE DOOR. ALEJANDRA enters STAGE RIGHT)

ALEJANDRA

(Very nice)

Sweetie

(Suddenly unnice)

Who the Hell was what?!

CLAYTON

Just a crazy person. It doesn't matter. Whats important is that-

(Gets interupted by the PIZZA man, who enters carrying a box of pizza.)

PIZZA

Pizza delivery!

CLAYTON

What the?! Who unlocked the door?

DARRYL

(Enters from Kitchen)

Oh, I got this.

(Walks over to PIZZA)

Did you get what I wanted

PIZZA

Yessir, a pineapple and cheese pizza with extra pineapple!

DARRYL

Good man, so thats twelve dollars-

CLAYTON

(To DARRYL)

What is going on?!

DARRYL

I ordered a pineapple pizza, I figured with all the tension in this house, we could use it.

CLAYTON

(Angrily cannot say anything. Pause. Now he can, but he gets interupted by JULIO and KENYA, who fall out of the closet on with JULIO on top of KENYA. They are covered by clothes ALEJANDRA slinks away in the confusion.)

JULIO

Wait, what the, you're not...?

KENYA

I can explain!

(JULIO angrily gets off of KENYA)

JULIO

You scum sucking liar!

CLAYTON

What happened?

JULIO

This... ex-friend

(Gasp from KENYA)

Lied to me, and told me that she was Alejandra, and in my stupidity, I believe her!

KENYA

I'm so sorry...

CLAYTON

Wait... I understand that, by why are you covered by clothes?

JULIO

Hello? It was a closet.

CLAYTON

But... no it... nevermind.

KENYA

Please forgive me...

JULIO

No!

CLAYTON

Wait.

(To JULIO)

Don't you think that you are being a bit harsh. I mean, I know she isn't Alejandra, anyone with eyes could see that.

(All guys in the room, including PIZZA, nodded and voice agreements.)

But she still is a girl, a girl completely in love with you and willing to lie in order to make out with you. That shows dedication, more dedication that anyone here has. Thats why I'm saying not to settle with someone or something you aren't happy with, I'm telling you to settle with a girl because she will make out with you, and is that such a hard concept for humans to understand?

JULIO

(Looking contemplative)

You know what, you're right.

(To KENYA)

I'm sorry Kenya, will you forgive me?

KENYA

Absolutely.

(They hug.)

CLAYTON

Great, I'm glad we all got that resolved. Fantastic. Ugh I need some headache medicine.

DARRYL

Or some pineapple!

(Everyone turns to the PIZZA man.)

PIZZA

(Has been eating from his own pizza the entire time.)

What?

(The BURGALAR breaks in.)

BURGALAR

Alright, everyone freeze, this is a hold up!

(General shouts and screams of fear.

CLAYTON

Oh my god, this could not get worse. How did this guy get into my house?

(ALEJANDRA enters.)

JULIO

Wait, why the hell is she here?

CLAYTON

Well... because...

BURGALAR

(Quietly)

Hey guys... this is a-

ALEJANDRA

Is it illegal to be in my boyfriend's house?

KENYA

Boyfriend?

JULIO

(Angrily)

Boyfriend?

(Turns to CLAYTON)

Are you her boyfriend?

CLAYTON

Yes?

JULIO

You son of a... You lied to me! You dilibertly hide this from me!

CLAYTON

Well thats not true...

JULIO

(To KENYA)

And YOU told ME to ask out a girl who had a boyfriend?

KENYA

Don't blame me, this is the first I've heard of it too.

(Everyone glares at CLAYTON.)

PIZZA

Jerkface.

CLAYTON

This literally could not possibly get worse...

(Enter POLICE)

POLICE

Alright, hands in the air.

(Points at the BURGALAR)

You! On the ground!

BURGALAR

Wait, which should I do, because its kind of hard to do both...

(A bunch of adlib conversations start. CLAYTON doesn't participate. The conversations get to a yelling level.

CLAYTON

OUT!

EVERYONE ELSE

What?

CLAYTON

OUT! All of you, get out right now!

(pause)

NOW!

(Everyone else leaves dejectedly, leaving DARRYL and CLAYTON alone. CLAYTON slowly goes to the couch and turns on the tv. DARRYL follows. CLAYTON raises him arm and points STAGE LEFT)

DARRYL

(offering tray of pineapple)

Hey man, before I go, do you want some pineapple?

(There is a lengthy pause)

(CLAYTON takes some pinapple. DARRYL leaves)

THE END