AN
OPEN HOUSE: THE REASON WHY YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS
A
Play in One Scene
by
Sean
Jones
Showing posts with label Play. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Play. Show all posts
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunglasses
So theres this guy…
Thats how people start stories right? Anyway, here we we go. Yeah.
So he is awalkin’ down the street, some average joe smith. He is yeh high and had a cigar in his mouth, which is weird, because who smokes a cigar these days? I thought that freudian guy kind of made it for anyone to be walking around, minding his business, with his mouth full of di- smoke! From the cigar! But the most noticible thing on his face were his sunglasses. Man he had good sunglasses!
So he is awalkin’ along the street, not caring about anything you know? Those sunglasses are blocking out his eyes, so you cant see where he is looking. But the I notice somthin’. I noticed that he wasn’t stopping, not for nothing you know? Pedistrians, children, hot dog vendors, schoolbuses filled with children , nuns, cars, old ladies, buses with nuns, and a box of kittens.
He is just barrelling along a straight line, no regard for anyone in his way you know? But somehow this guy is perfectly fine. So I’m watching this guy, and I’m thinking, and while I am thinking I come up with three theories.
1. He is moronic. Not likely due to his awesome sunglasses which only cool people should have, and even stupid people have limits.
2. He was blind. I mean, that tie with that shirt? At the very least he was colorblind. The sunglasses were a good indicator of this, but unless the guy just became deaf and the male version of hellen keller, that wasn’t likely.
Finally, there was my third idea. He was asleepin’, I mean asleptwalkin’. A Sleep Walkin’. This was the most likely, because he wasn’t wearing pants. And if I remember one thing from scooby-doo, aside from the fact that every real estate agent is evil and wants you off your property, is that you should never wake up someone who is a sleepingwalkin’.
So there I am, running in front of him, shouting at people to get out of his way. But I had to shout real quietly you know? So that I wouldn’t wake him up. But no one heard me, so I was basically pushing people out of his way for him. But I’ a real fast runner right, so when the traffic light changed… I was on one side, and he was in the middle.
A bus came. It was filled with children, nuns, and a box of kittens. Karma told me his time had come.
I wont horror you with the gory details of the devastating crash, but I will share with you the bright side of all of this.
At least I got these cool sunglasses.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Meta: Or How We Stopped Worrying and Learned to Write a One Act: Scene Two
Meta: Or How We Stopped Worrying and Learned to Write a One Act:
Scene Two
by
Sean Jones
[Curtains open, showing Margret in a medieval like dress, brushing her hair]
Margret:
Oh alas and alas, alack and alack. My days, filled with nothing but the most tedious and romantic of activities, toil on without notice, as my chambermaids and noble ladies of my court now are completely enthralled in their own passionate lives, filled with love and adventure that only ones other half, their soul mate, can bring. Oh, I wish that my own existence would be validated by a nice, handsome man. It may be a bit petty and shallow. Alright… There is a high amount of pettiness and shallowness involved. But that isn't the point. I am a princess; I should have more people proposing to me than that idiot Kyle. He proposed in such a dull and gray manner.
[Enter Henry in a fancy shirt]
Henry:
Miss, I could not help but hear your magnificently crafted words that seem to be transcribed by the absolute genius that exist inside all humans' hearts. Or by me. But truly, what is the difference?
Margret:
The difference is that I do not care for all men's hearts, only the entirety of one single man, could you be that one?
Henry [Aside]:
I freaking love being the playwright
Henry:
I think that I could, you know, mayhaps give you my whole self, on the condition that you give me yourself to me in all your splendid glory.
Margret [ Scathingly]:
Ah, your words are matched only by your face and looks. Come sit.
Henry:
That was written to be a compliment.
Margret:
Be quiet dearest, otherwise you might spoil the mood.
Henry:
Yes, the mood. Back to that. *Ahem* Your eyes sparkle like the moon lit sky, giving me the rare privilege of the stars being so close to me. Your lips are full and exotic that they make even me seem blank and boorish in your company. And your bosom is so-
Margret:
I'm going to cut you off there.
Henry:
But I had another two paragraphs to go!
Margret:
*Sigh* I never would have thought that I would ever say this, even if it is in the script. Would you consider skipping the whole "woo the women" part and kiss me instead?
Henry:
Gladly.
[They lean into a kiss; eyes closed. Jack walks in dressed in robes. He gets behind them and claps his hands. They freeze. He grabs Margret's arm.]
Jack:
And you thought that Magic was fake.
[He drags her offstage, leaving Henry alone. Once offstage, there is a loud clap that snaps him out of it. Henry falls forward.]
Henry:
What in the sweet slithering snakes was that? Where did my marvelous… what was her name?
Offstage Whisper :
Margret.
Henry:
Oh yes, my marvelous Margret! Oh, why have you forsaken me? Oh what a cruel world!
[Collapse to ground and starts weeping, Enter Sara in a fairy costume]
Sara:
Hey. [doesn't respond] Hey, listen. [doesn't respond. She kicks him.] HEY!
Henry:
*Groan* What do you want?
Sara:
For you to listen obviously.
Henry:
Well I am.
Sara:
I saw what happened.
Henry:
Don't bring that up.
Sara:
But I know where to Margret.
Henry [jumps to his feet]:
Margret! Where is she? And more importantly, who is she again?
Sara:
The women you were just about to kiss…
Henry:
Ah yes, of course. Where is she?
Sara:
She was kidnapped by the super evil sorcerer, Jack.
Henry:
That's a really stupid name.
Sara:
I know. Anyway, he took her to his evil lair.
Henry:
Where is this lair?
Sara:
I don't actually know, I do however have this convenient map. [Pulls out paper]
Henry:
That is part of the script.
Sara:
Shut up, it's a map.
[Henry snatches the map]
Henry:
In that case, I'll lead us to his castle.
Sara:
Not a castle. Its a fortress.
Henry:
Fortress schmotress, its that way.
[Points off stage]
Sara:
Are you sure? It looks to be that way.
[Points opposite of Henry]
Henry:
Don't be silly, lets go.
[Walks offstage. Lights darken. Lights come back up. Talk while going to other side.]
Sara:
I said that we-
Henry:
Shut up.
Sara:
The maps says-
Henry:
Shut up.
Sara:
East is not opposite of north.
Henry:
SHUT UP!
Sara:
Cam I just say one more thing?
Henry:
No.
Sara:
I told you so.
[Exit Henry and Sara]
[Blackout]
[Lights on]
Henry:
Well that was easy. You would think that he would have a moat or something.
Sara:
Moats are horribly expensive and mostly for show.
Henry:
I'm surprised that there aren't any guards. You figure that an evil wizard would have a minion or two, but it looks like-
[Guard jumps onstage]
Aha, you fell for my brilliant plot for living you out by insulting your master.
Guard:
Actually, I was getting dressed. What kind of moron invades a fortress in the middle of the day? You woke me from my nap.
Henry:
Shut up! My plan worked didn't I?
Sara:
You're all morons.
Guard:
No matter. I am here now. For the past years I've worked here and not one intruder has disturbed the master. He is so incredibly sure of my capabilities that he fired all the other guards. I know in my soul that you! Shall! Not! Pass!
[Charges Henry, who dispatches him instantly]
Sara:
Well that was anticlimactic.
Henry:
You were a worthy soldier, and I value your resistance.
[Exit Henry and Sara]
[Blackout. Lights up. Doors on each end.]
[Henry and Sara enter through one of the doors.]
Henry:
Where is he, where is the scoundrel Jack!
*Beat*
You sure this is the right place?
Sara:
No, but feel free to check every room in this fortress until you find them.
Henry:
I'd rather not.
*Offstage giggling*
What was that?
Sara:
The lascivious pleasings of a lute?
Henry:
What?
Sara:
A girl, most likely Margret.
Henry:
Who was she again?
Sara:
For crying out loud! She's the girl you've been searching for!
Henry:
Oh her, where is she?
Sara:
Probably somewhere in this room.
Henry:
Dammit! She could be anywhere!
Sara:
Well there is one door, which is where the sound is coming from…
*Beat*
Screw it.
[Opens door, Margret and Jack fall out, clearly just previously making out.]
Henry:
My soul and body! What is going on?
Sara:
When a man and a woman love each other-
Henry:
Not you, them!
Jack:
Well I was kissing this girl, how about you?
Henry:
I was busting my butt, crossing nonexistent moats, getting lost and eventually getting unlost, and fighting guards, all to save her! Which is why I shall now rescue you from his tyrannical grip.
*Beat*
I'm over here you know.
Margret:
I don't want to leave.
Henry:
I'm sorry what?
Margret:
I love this man. With all my heart and soul I love him.
Sara:
Oh my god more flashbacks.
Jack:
Will you please leave me now; I have things to see and people to do.
Henry:
No, I refuse! I reject your lines and substitute my own!
Jack:
Is it possible for you to make sense? Because right now I highly doubt that.
Henry:
Fight sir, and face my wrath!
Jack:
Alright.
[Claps his hands; everyone freezes. Jack walks up and punches him. Clap again and unfreeze]
I win.
Henry:
Dirty cheat! Resorting to cheap tricks!
Jack:
Would you prefer if I fought one handed?
Henry [Muttering]:
Yes please…
Jack:
Very well
[Pulls out wand]
Prepare to die.
Henry:
Crap, Little Bro/Sis!
[Enter younger sibling, who curls up into a ball. Henry crouches behind him/her]
HA HA! Now that I am in cover, I get a 4+ cover save which ignores your low Armor Piercing wand.
Jack:
Ignoring the technical jargon, you still aren't in cover. I can see you perfectly.
Henry:
No you can't
Jack:
Yes I can.
Henry:
No you can't!
Jack:
Yes I can, yes I can!
Henry:
Really? How many fingers am I holding up?
Jack:
Three.
*Beat*
Henry:
You still can't hit me…
Jack:
Watch me! *Begins chanting*
Sara:
Oh no, the super ultra unblockable instant death curse spell.
Jack:
Abracadabra!
Henry:
You missed.
Jack:
No I didn't, it hit you in the side!
Henry:
Then it passed through my clothing!
Jack:
Argh… Fine! Abracadabra!
Henry:
Miss.
Jack:
Abracadabra!
Henry:
Miss.
Jack:
Abracadabra!
Henry:
Miss.
Jack:
Abracadabra!
Henry:
Miss.
Sara:
Henry. Aren't you going to fight back?
Henry:
I was just waiting for an opening like the one you just gave me!
[Stands up]
D5!
Jack:
H-hit, you sunk… my battleship.
[Collapses]
Margret:
No!
[Rushes over to him]
Why? Why did you have to die?
Henry:
Because he was shooting me, weren't you paying attention?
Sara:
Henry, shut up.
Margret:
If only you could revive yourself and get up, to be with me again!
Henry:
That would ruin the sanctity of life and death! He awakening from eternal sleep violates all laws that nature has put in place-
Jack [Gets up]:
I'm up.
Margret:
Oh my soul and body!
Henry:
That isn't fair!
Jack:
Neither is Death, which I just avoided. Ha.
Henry:
I give up, kill me now.
Jack:
I don't care if you're dead, I just want you to leave us alone.
Sara:
I'll make sure he does that.
Jack:
Let's go my Dove
Margret:
Yes master!
[Exit Jack and Margret]
Sara:
Hey, you alright?
Henry:
Yeah, I'm just…
Sara:
Disappointed and ugly?
Henry:
Yes… wait…
Sara:
Don't e, you'll find another girl at some point I'm sure.
Henry:
Maybe, maybe not.
Sara:
Don't go emo on me now.
Henry:
Give me one good reason not to.
[Sara leans in and kisses him on the cheek]
Sara:
No more emo yes? [Henry nods] See you at the cast party.
[Exit Sara]
Henry:
Ha. Ha ha. *Laughter* I guess it really is true [Turns to audience]
Even an idiot like me can write a ten minute play.
[Exit Henry]
FIN
Scene Two
by
Sean Jones
[Curtains open, showing Margret in a medieval like dress, brushing her hair]
Margret:
Oh alas and alas, alack and alack. My days, filled with nothing but the most tedious and romantic of activities, toil on without notice, as my chambermaids and noble ladies of my court now are completely enthralled in their own passionate lives, filled with love and adventure that only ones other half, their soul mate, can bring. Oh, I wish that my own existence would be validated by a nice, handsome man. It may be a bit petty and shallow. Alright… There is a high amount of pettiness and shallowness involved. But that isn't the point. I am a princess; I should have more people proposing to me than that idiot Kyle. He proposed in such a dull and gray manner.
[Enter Henry in a fancy shirt]
Henry:
Miss, I could not help but hear your magnificently crafted words that seem to be transcribed by the absolute genius that exist inside all humans' hearts. Or by me. But truly, what is the difference?
Margret:
The difference is that I do not care for all men's hearts, only the entirety of one single man, could you be that one?
Henry [Aside]:
I freaking love being the playwright
Henry:
I think that I could, you know, mayhaps give you my whole self, on the condition that you give me yourself to me in all your splendid glory.
Margret [ Scathingly]:
Ah, your words are matched only by your face and looks. Come sit.
Henry:
That was written to be a compliment.
Margret:
Be quiet dearest, otherwise you might spoil the mood.
Henry:
Yes, the mood. Back to that. *Ahem* Your eyes sparkle like the moon lit sky, giving me the rare privilege of the stars being so close to me. Your lips are full and exotic that they make even me seem blank and boorish in your company. And your bosom is so-
Margret:
I'm going to cut you off there.
Henry:
But I had another two paragraphs to go!
Margret:
*Sigh* I never would have thought that I would ever say this, even if it is in the script. Would you consider skipping the whole "woo the women" part and kiss me instead?
Henry:
Gladly.
[They lean into a kiss; eyes closed. Jack walks in dressed in robes. He gets behind them and claps his hands. They freeze. He grabs Margret's arm.]
Jack:
And you thought that Magic was fake.
[He drags her offstage, leaving Henry alone. Once offstage, there is a loud clap that snaps him out of it. Henry falls forward.]
Henry:
What in the sweet slithering snakes was that? Where did my marvelous… what was her name?
Offstage Whisper :
Margret.
Henry:
Oh yes, my marvelous Margret! Oh, why have you forsaken me? Oh what a cruel world!
[Collapse to ground and starts weeping, Enter Sara in a fairy costume]
Sara:
Hey. [doesn't respond] Hey, listen. [doesn't respond. She kicks him.] HEY!
Henry:
*Groan* What do you want?
Sara:
For you to listen obviously.
Henry:
Well I am.
Sara:
I saw what happened.
Henry:
Don't bring that up.
Sara:
But I know where to Margret.
Henry [jumps to his feet]:
Margret! Where is she? And more importantly, who is she again?
Sara:
The women you were just about to kiss…
Henry:
Ah yes, of course. Where is she?
Sara:
She was kidnapped by the super evil sorcerer, Jack.
Henry:
That's a really stupid name.
Sara:
I know. Anyway, he took her to his evil lair.
Henry:
Where is this lair?
Sara:
I don't actually know, I do however have this convenient map. [Pulls out paper]
Henry:
That is part of the script.
Sara:
Shut up, it's a map.
[Henry snatches the map]
Henry:
In that case, I'll lead us to his castle.
Sara:
Not a castle. Its a fortress.
Henry:
Fortress schmotress, its that way.
[Points off stage]
Sara:
Are you sure? It looks to be that way.
[Points opposite of Henry]
Henry:
Don't be silly, lets go.
[Walks offstage. Lights darken. Lights come back up. Talk while going to other side.]
Sara:
I said that we-
Henry:
Shut up.
Sara:
The maps says-
Henry:
Shut up.
Sara:
East is not opposite of north.
Henry:
SHUT UP!
Sara:
Cam I just say one more thing?
Henry:
No.
Sara:
I told you so.
[Exit Henry and Sara]
[Blackout]
[Lights on]
Henry:
Well that was easy. You would think that he would have a moat or something.
Sara:
Moats are horribly expensive and mostly for show.
Henry:
I'm surprised that there aren't any guards. You figure that an evil wizard would have a minion or two, but it looks like-
[Guard jumps onstage]
Aha, you fell for my brilliant plot for living you out by insulting your master.
Guard:
Actually, I was getting dressed. What kind of moron invades a fortress in the middle of the day? You woke me from my nap.
Henry:
Shut up! My plan worked didn't I?
Sara:
You're all morons.
Guard:
No matter. I am here now. For the past years I've worked here and not one intruder has disturbed the master. He is so incredibly sure of my capabilities that he fired all the other guards. I know in my soul that you! Shall! Not! Pass!
[Charges Henry, who dispatches him instantly]
Sara:
Well that was anticlimactic.
Henry:
You were a worthy soldier, and I value your resistance.
[Exit Henry and Sara]
[Blackout. Lights up. Doors on each end.]
[Henry and Sara enter through one of the doors.]
Henry:
Where is he, where is the scoundrel Jack!
*Beat*
You sure this is the right place?
Sara:
No, but feel free to check every room in this fortress until you find them.
Henry:
I'd rather not.
*Offstage giggling*
What was that?
Sara:
The lascivious pleasings of a lute?
Henry:
What?
Sara:
A girl, most likely Margret.
Henry:
Who was she again?
Sara:
For crying out loud! She's the girl you've been searching for!
Henry:
Oh her, where is she?
Sara:
Probably somewhere in this room.
Henry:
Dammit! She could be anywhere!
Sara:
Well there is one door, which is where the sound is coming from…
*Beat*
Screw it.
[Opens door, Margret and Jack fall out, clearly just previously making out.]
Henry:
My soul and body! What is going on?
Sara:
When a man and a woman love each other-
Henry:
Not you, them!
Jack:
Well I was kissing this girl, how about you?
Henry:
I was busting my butt, crossing nonexistent moats, getting lost and eventually getting unlost, and fighting guards, all to save her! Which is why I shall now rescue you from his tyrannical grip.
*Beat*
I'm over here you know.
Margret:
I don't want to leave.
Henry:
I'm sorry what?
Margret:
I love this man. With all my heart and soul I love him.
Sara:
Oh my god more flashbacks.
Jack:
Will you please leave me now; I have things to see and people to do.
Henry:
No, I refuse! I reject your lines and substitute my own!
Jack:
Is it possible for you to make sense? Because right now I highly doubt that.
Henry:
Fight sir, and face my wrath!
Jack:
Alright.
[Claps his hands; everyone freezes. Jack walks up and punches him. Clap again and unfreeze]
I win.
Henry:
Dirty cheat! Resorting to cheap tricks!
Jack:
Would you prefer if I fought one handed?
Henry [Muttering]:
Yes please…
Jack:
Very well
[Pulls out wand]
Prepare to die.
Henry:
Crap, Little Bro/Sis!
[Enter younger sibling, who curls up into a ball. Henry crouches behind him/her]
HA HA! Now that I am in cover, I get a 4+ cover save which ignores your low Armor Piercing wand.
Jack:
Ignoring the technical jargon, you still aren't in cover. I can see you perfectly.
Henry:
No you can't
Jack:
Yes I can.
Henry:
No you can't!
Jack:
Yes I can, yes I can!
Henry:
Really? How many fingers am I holding up?
Jack:
Three.
*Beat*
Henry:
You still can't hit me…
Jack:
Watch me! *Begins chanting*
Sara:
Oh no, the super ultra unblockable instant death curse spell.
Jack:
Abracadabra!
Henry:
You missed.
Jack:
No I didn't, it hit you in the side!
Henry:
Then it passed through my clothing!
Jack:
Argh… Fine! Abracadabra!
Henry:
Miss.
Jack:
Abracadabra!
Henry:
Miss.
Jack:
Abracadabra!
Henry:
Miss.
Jack:
Abracadabra!
Henry:
Miss.
Sara:
Henry. Aren't you going to fight back?
Henry:
I was just waiting for an opening like the one you just gave me!
[Stands up]
D5!
Jack:
H-hit, you sunk… my battleship.
[Collapses]
Margret:
No!
[Rushes over to him]
Why? Why did you have to die?
Henry:
Because he was shooting me, weren't you paying attention?
Sara:
Henry, shut up.
Margret:
If only you could revive yourself and get up, to be with me again!
Henry:
That would ruin the sanctity of life and death! He awakening from eternal sleep violates all laws that nature has put in place-
Jack [Gets up]:
I'm up.
Margret:
Oh my soul and body!
Henry:
That isn't fair!
Jack:
Neither is Death, which I just avoided. Ha.
Henry:
I give up, kill me now.
Jack:
I don't care if you're dead, I just want you to leave us alone.
Sara:
I'll make sure he does that.
Jack:
Let's go my Dove
Margret:
Yes master!
[Exit Jack and Margret]
Sara:
Hey, you alright?
Henry:
Yeah, I'm just…
Sara:
Disappointed and ugly?
Henry:
Yes… wait…
Sara:
Don't e, you'll find another girl at some point I'm sure.
Henry:
Maybe, maybe not.
Sara:
Don't go emo on me now.
Henry:
Give me one good reason not to.
[Sara leans in and kisses him on the cheek]
Sara:
No more emo yes? [Henry nods] See you at the cast party.
[Exit Sara]
Henry:
Ha. Ha ha. *Laughter* I guess it really is true [Turns to audience]
Even an idiot like me can write a ten minute play.
[Exit Henry]
FIN
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Meta Scene 1.5: The Transition Scene
Meta: The Transition Scene
A.K.A Scene 1.5
By Sean Jones
[Enter all actors, doing bows, any other traditions symbolizing the end of a show]
Director [in audience]:
Wait!
[Actors react in general confusion. The director gets out of the audience and walks onto the stage.]:
What was that? It was ten freaking minutes long!
Henry:
That was the show obviously, what else could it be?
Director:
Good, it could have been good.
Sara:
Are you saying that we did a bad job?
Director:
That is exactly what I am saying.
Jack:
That's ridiculous, not to mention totally not our fault.
Margret:
Yeah! After all, whose idea was it not to have rehearsal the past two weeks?
Henry:
By the way, why did you decide to do that?
Director:
Because… Because…
Sara:
Sorry, can't here you there.
Director:
Because shut up.
Sara:
What!
Direct:
You heard me, shut your trap. I know that I was a crappy director, but you know what, an artist is only as good as his tools.
Margret [To Sara]:
Did he just really call us tools?
Sara [To Margret]:
I think he did…
Jack:
Woah, we did a fine job, right guys?
Actors:
Right!
Director:
The lot of you are biased. It shouldn't count.
Henry:
A majority is a majority, so HA!
Director:
*Sigh* Fine. [Paces around a bit] Wait, I know how to beat your majority! [Turns to audience] Hey Audience!
Margret:
Oh no.
Direct:
We're going to take a poll.
Jack:
Don't you dare!
Director:
Everyone who liked this play say Aye!
Audience:
Aye!
[Director winces]
Director:
Well… That was…
Henry:
Awesome is the word I think you're looking for.
Director:
No no, we need to be fair. Everyone who didn't like the play say Nay!
Audience:
Nay.
Director:
I'm sorry, I'm a trifle dear in this ear, could you please try again?
Sara:
Hey, that's not-
Henry:
1, 2, 3!
Audience:
Nay!
Director:
Well, I guess I have to be fair. We'll call it a draw.
Jack:
What! They so loved us more!
Margret:
Dude, I think we should give up.
Director:
Yes, the play is ruined, we are doomed!
Henry:
Wait.
Director:
Hm?
Henry:
I have an idea!
Sara:
Oh My God I'm having flashbacks.
Director:
Yes Henry, what is it?
Henry:
We have some time until the next show starts…
Director:
We do, exactly 10 minutes.
Jack:
That is mighty convenient.
Director:
No matter! Now, who is ready for some improve?
Actors:
*Groan*
Sara:
Can we not? I hate improve.
Margret:
I think you're the only one who likes it.
Director:
We have to, the some must go on!
Jack:
The show technically already happened.
Henry:
Old buddy, old pal, shut up and get ready.
Margret:
Seriously guys, no improve, we are already straining the audiences patience as it.
Director:
Then what do you suppose we do then?
[Margret holds up the script that she picked up at the end of scene 1]
Margret:
This.
Director:
What? Those are just some blank pieces of paper I found backstage, what could that possibly do to help us. [Takes script]
*Beat*
There is a script here.
Sara:
We noticed.
Director:
But why?
Henry:
I had to write it, remember?
Director:
You didn't actually have to write one, you know that right?
Henry:
Really? That's lame.
Director:
How did you even write this in so little time?
Henry:
I drank the elixir. Besides, any moron can write a script that's only ten minutes long.
Director:
But the elixir wasn't…
Jack:
Director! [He puts arm around director and leads him away]
I think at this point, we should just go with it.
*Beat*
Director:
You are right. [ Goes back to group] I don't care how this happened, but let's go!
Sara:
But we don't know any of it!
Director:
You have one minute till places. Scatter!
[Actors scramble offstage]
*sigh* Such lovable scamps
[Walks to curtain and rolls underneath]
You techies ready?
Techies:
Yessir!
Director:
Good. Oh hey *Name of a actress*, need some help changing?
Actress:
Touch me and die.
Director:
If you say so.
*Slap*
[Director walks from under curtain. Slap mark noticeable]
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to scene to of Meta: Or How We Stopped Worrying and Learned to Write One Act. While it won't be the most… prepared performance ever seen, you will certainly find it the most sporadic. Well anyway, enjoy the show!
[Director goes into the audience]
A.K.A Scene 1.5
By Sean Jones
[Enter all actors, doing bows, any other traditions symbolizing the end of a show]
Director [in audience]:
Wait!
[Actors react in general confusion. The director gets out of the audience and walks onto the stage.]:
What was that? It was ten freaking minutes long!
Henry:
That was the show obviously, what else could it be?
Director:
Good, it could have been good.
Sara:
Are you saying that we did a bad job?
Director:
That is exactly what I am saying.
Jack:
That's ridiculous, not to mention totally not our fault.
Margret:
Yeah! After all, whose idea was it not to have rehearsal the past two weeks?
Henry:
By the way, why did you decide to do that?
Director:
Because… Because…
Sara:
Sorry, can't here you there.
Director:
Because shut up.
Sara:
What!
Direct:
You heard me, shut your trap. I know that I was a crappy director, but you know what, an artist is only as good as his tools.
Margret [To Sara]:
Did he just really call us tools?
Sara [To Margret]:
I think he did…
Jack:
Woah, we did a fine job, right guys?
Actors:
Right!
Director:
The lot of you are biased. It shouldn't count.
Henry:
A majority is a majority, so HA!
Director:
*Sigh* Fine. [Paces around a bit] Wait, I know how to beat your majority! [Turns to audience] Hey Audience!
Margret:
Oh no.
Direct:
We're going to take a poll.
Jack:
Don't you dare!
Director:
Everyone who liked this play say Aye!
Audience:
Aye!
[Director winces]
Director:
Well… That was…
Henry:
Awesome is the word I think you're looking for.
Director:
No no, we need to be fair. Everyone who didn't like the play say Nay!
Audience:
Nay.
Director:
I'm sorry, I'm a trifle dear in this ear, could you please try again?
Sara:
Hey, that's not-
Henry:
1, 2, 3!
Audience:
Nay!
Director:
Well, I guess I have to be fair. We'll call it a draw.
Jack:
What! They so loved us more!
Margret:
Dude, I think we should give up.
Director:
Yes, the play is ruined, we are doomed!
Henry:
Wait.
Director:
Hm?
Henry:
I have an idea!
Sara:
Oh My God I'm having flashbacks.
Director:
Yes Henry, what is it?
Henry:
We have some time until the next show starts…
Director:
We do, exactly 10 minutes.
Jack:
That is mighty convenient.
Director:
No matter! Now, who is ready for some improve?
Actors:
*Groan*
Sara:
Can we not? I hate improve.
Margret:
I think you're the only one who likes it.
Director:
We have to, the some must go on!
Jack:
The show technically already happened.
Henry:
Old buddy, old pal, shut up and get ready.
Margret:
Seriously guys, no improve, we are already straining the audiences patience as it.
Director:
Then what do you suppose we do then?
[Margret holds up the script that she picked up at the end of scene 1]
Margret:
This.
Director:
What? Those are just some blank pieces of paper I found backstage, what could that possibly do to help us. [Takes script]
*Beat*
There is a script here.
Sara:
We noticed.
Director:
But why?
Henry:
I had to write it, remember?
Director:
You didn't actually have to write one, you know that right?
Henry:
Really? That's lame.
Director:
How did you even write this in so little time?
Henry:
I drank the elixir. Besides, any moron can write a script that's only ten minutes long.
Director:
But the elixir wasn't…
Jack:
Director! [He puts arm around director and leads him away]
I think at this point, we should just go with it.
*Beat*
Director:
You are right. [ Goes back to group] I don't care how this happened, but let's go!
Sara:
But we don't know any of it!
Director:
You have one minute till places. Scatter!
[Actors scramble offstage]
*sigh* Such lovable scamps
[Walks to curtain and rolls underneath]
You techies ready?
Techies:
Yessir!
Director:
Good. Oh hey *Name of a actress*, need some help changing?
Actress:
Touch me and die.
Director:
If you say so.
*Slap*
[Director walks from under curtain. Slap mark noticeable]
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to scene to of Meta: Or How We Stopped Worrying and Learned to Write One Act. While it won't be the most… prepared performance ever seen, you will certainly find it the most sporadic. Well anyway, enjoy the show!
[Director goes into the audience]
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Meta: Or, How We Stopped Worrying and Learned to Write a One-Act Scene One
By Sean "Florence" Jones
Personas:
Henry
Jack
Margret
Sara
Tim: Henry's little brother
[Lights come up, Set consists of two doors on opposite ends of the stage ]
Henry:
Alright Tim, do you remember everything I told you?
Tim:
Uh-huh.
Henry:
Then repeat it back to me.
Tim:
You said that you were going in the living room, and I am supposed to lock the door and never open it 'til you slide the script under the door.
Henry:
Good boy.
[Reaches out hand with the key, but Jack stops him]
Jack:
Dude, are you sure this is the best way? I mean we could just-
Henry:
Absolutely this is the best way! It's full proof, nothing could possibly
go wrong.
[Everyone puts their cell phones in a basket, and hands it and the key to Tim. All but Tim enter the through the right door]
Margret [aside to Sara]:
Can we trust these guys, I mean what if they try something?...
Sara [ aside to Margret]:
No problem, I got protection, just in case.
Henry:
Alright! We, as fellow classmates, who have been paired together, and why are we here?
Sara:
We have a project?
Henry:
Due?
Margret:
Tomorrow!
Henry:
Very good! And why is that?
Jack:
Cause the teach assigned it to us?
Henry:
Well, I was thinking more along the lines of "We were incredibly lazy and put it off until the absolutely last moment", but that is technically correct, so... Who has written a one act before?
-Beat-
Henry:
Ok, who has written anything, ever?
-Beat-
Henry:
Fine, whatever, it doesn't matter. Does anyone have any ideas?
Margret:
How about a romance?
All but Margret:
NO!
Sara:
After all, we do have to perform this in front of the class, so lets stay away from anything that would imply anything close to good will amongst each other.
Jack: Downer ain't ya?
Henry: I think that it would be hard to write anything like that, and as for performing in front of the class... We'll burn that bridge when we get to it.
Jack:
How about somthin' actiony?
Margret:
We don't have time to choreograph anything, which also knocks out anything with dancing...
Sara:
I got this, here's the title: The life and times of the gray stone, don't have to worry about blocking for it.
Henry:
No, Kyle's group is doing that, and believe me when I say I fought him tooth and nail for it. Besides, we need something... EPIC! I want to do a fantasy adventure. The story of a handsome hero and his trusted fairy sidekick as they kick the evil overlords-
Jack:
Didn't we just say that action was too much effort?
Margret:
Besides, it's only ten minutes.
Henry:
What?
Margret: The one act, it only has to be ten minutes.
Henry:
Really?
Sara:
Yeah, the teacher told us. Don't you two pay attention.
Jack:
Not really.
[Henry grabs a drink and sits down in between the girls]
Margret:
Hey!
Sara [Digusted] :
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Henry:
Calm down, do you realize how easy it is to write a ten minute play? Any idiot could do it. Besides, all work and no play make Henry a dull boy.
Sara:
First of all, I will pretend that you never uttered that phrase. Second, You will remove yourself from this piece of furniture without causing any sort of residual damage or disturbance or god forbid , casualty. That way it may go through a purging process to remove any taint that you have left behind. And no, I do not care that this is your couch, we very attractive ladies are sitting on it, so hence it is ours. If you refuse to comply, I will be forced to resort to corporeal punishment. And by that I mean electricity; lots and lots of electricity. That electricity will travel into your body and be converted to raw pain signals, sent from your body to your brain, making you believe that you are burning alive even though in reality you are only jittering and shaking as your nerves slowly attempt to reconnect themselves in order to perhaps try to fend me off. Alas, no, because in a poor accident, a large amount of voltage will find itself jammed into where your future children reside. This will make sure that you never trouble a woman the bother of carrying your children , while at the same time create a better world by ridding your stupidity and incompetence from the human gene pool. And years from now, when you are dying alone, not even supported by a hospital, you will look back and say with your last breath, "I am… so sorry…"
Henry:
Well, that was frighteningly specific.
[Henry gets up from the couch.
Margret:
Can we please just focus on thinking of an idea, seriously this time.
Jack:
Yeah man, I just want this to be over with.
Henry:
Fine, lets think.
[Time passes]
[Jack moans (Haku suggested overly sexual)]
Henry:
Jack, be quiet, we need to brainstorm.
-Beat-
Sara:
What time is it?
Margret:
I don't know, do either of you guys have a watch?
Jack and Henry:
No.
Henry:
And there's no clocks in here...
Sara:
I wonder, whose brilliant idea was it to leave our cell phones out there?
Henry:
I didn't want any distractions-
Sara:
You were the first one to take a break!
Jack:
Guys, can we just stop for a bit, my head hurts.
Sara:
What did I just say?
Margret:
Hey now give him a break, this is tiring.
Sara:
Not you too!
Jack:
Ugh, I'm going to the bathroom, anything to escape this bitch of a racket.
[Exeunt Jack]
Sara:
Oh no you did-
[Door slams and locks]
Sara:
-n't
Margret:
Ummm, he kinda just did...
Sara:
I know. Hey, Henry, do you possibly have any thoughts that are on a ever so slightly higher intellectual level as the idea of locking us in this room in the first place?
-Beat-
Henry:
I...
Sara:
Yes? If you're going to start a thought, at least attempt to finish it.
Henry:
I have an idea!
Sara:
Oh happy day!
Margret:
Shush now, before you knock it out of him.
Henry:
We can look up ideas on... [Dun dun dun!] the Internet!
Margret:
Never mind.
Sara:
Thanks for getting our hopes up!
Henry:
No, listen. The main problem with all of this is that we have nothing to jump off of, right? Therefore, once we have an idea, which the Internet has a surplus of, we can finish this assignment in record time!
[During all of this, Tim has pushed a couch to the door to barricade it, as well as putting on headphones to block out noise]
Henry: Hey! [Knocks on door] Hey, listen!
-Beat-
Shit.
Sara:
Whats wrong?
Henry:
He's not responding.
Margret:
Well we don' have the script, so he can't open the door. I'm sure his non-response is just his way of encouraging us.
Henry:
Dammit, we're rats in a cage.
Margret:
A vicious circle.
Sara:
Why did I ever agree to this?
-Beat-
Henry:
Well, -sigh- it looks like we only have one option.
Sara:
Really?
Margret:
What is it?
[Henry runs to the other door]
Henry:
Jack! Jack I need you!
Jack:
Just a moment.
[ sound of pouring liquid]
Ahhh...
[Jack throws open the door, bottle in hand]
I have heard your prayer, and after much reflection on the toilet, I have a solution.
Henry:
What? What is it?
Jack:
In this bottle lies a special liquid, that, when ingested, increases your energy exponentially.
Sara:
Whats the catch?
Jack:
Sadly, your life expectancy might drop a bit, but a couple of months when you're 110 years old is nothing.
Margret: That's crazy.
Henry:
So crazy, it just might-
Sara:
No no, just take the damn medicine already.
Henry:
Alright, bottoms up.
[Drinks medicine]
-Beat-
[Henry runs over to paper and starts working]
Henry:
Oh yes, this goes here, and that goes there. Everything is coming together perfectly!
Sara:
Holy crap, this is really good! Go Henry go!
Margret:
How did you find this miraculous medicine?
Jack:
The sink.
Margret:
The sink?
Jack:
It's water. In a fancy bottle.
Margret:
B-but how is he?...
Jack:
Ever hear of a placebo?
Margret:
A what?
Jack [to himself]:
For crying out loud.
Jack [to Margret]:
You know what, it's magic. I cast a spell on the water to to give whoever drinks it a renewed energy.
Margret:
That's amazing!
Jack:
That it is. Say, do you want to see another spell?
Margret:
Of course!
Jack:
Alright, close your eyes.
Margret:
But If my eyes are closed how will I see it?
Jack:
Just go with it.
[Margret closes eyes, Jack begins chanting]
Do you feel the magic?
Margret:
You bet I do!
Jack:
Alright, when I snap my fingers you will fall madly in love with the first person you see.
[Snaps finger]
Margret:
Jack, is that you?
Jack:
Yes?
Margret [speaks with something like disgust in her voice]
You... You're just.
Jack:
I know...
Margret:
So incredibly sexy.
Jack:
What now?
Margret:
I can't really explain it, but I think I love you, beyond all rhyme or reason I love you with all my soul and being.
[Jack shrugs to the audience]
Jack:
Hey, after this, do you want to go have-
Henry:
Done!
Sara:
Oh merciful heavens he finished!
[Turns to Henry]
That was so amazing-
[Henry cuts her off with a kiss. She slaps him and stabs him with a stun gun]
Henry:
AHHH!
Jack:
What the hell?
Margret:
Sara, what did you do?
Sara:
Just in case... And you!
Jack:
Me?
Sara:
Yes you, why did he do that?
Jack:
First off, I'm not his therapist, I don't know what convoluted things involving a USB cord and a tape measure goes on inside his head. But if I were to hazard a guess, I would say that he had some residual energy left over?
Margret:
Well he appears to have plenty of electrical energy now.
[Henry stumbles to his feet]
Henry:
What just happened?
Sara:
Nothing but a few thousand volts here and there. Oh, and the assignment is done.
Henry:
Seriously? That means we can leave!
Jack:
Suppose so yeah.
[Slides script under door]
Henry:
Tim! Oi, little bro, the scripts done.
[Tim snores]
Sara:
For crying out loud.
Jack:
Now what?
Margret:
Oh oh, use your magic Master!
Henry:
When did Jack become?...
Jack:
Alright! Now let me think.
-Beat-
Jack:
Why don't we just walk around?
Henry:
Walk around?
Sara:
What do you mean?
Jack:
Just follow me.
[They walk around the door]
Sara:
How did you-
Margret:
You're amazing Master!
Jack:
Yeah, just a bit.
Henry:
Hey Jack, lend me hand here.
[The two boys flip the couch, while the girls pick up the script. Then they all walk out, except Tim]
FIN
Personas:
Henry
Jack
Margret
Sara
Tim: Henry's little brother
[Lights come up, Set consists of two doors on opposite ends of the stage ]
Henry:
Alright Tim, do you remember everything I told you?
Tim:
Uh-huh.
Henry:
Then repeat it back to me.
Tim:
You said that you were going in the living room, and I am supposed to lock the door and never open it 'til you slide the script under the door.
Henry:
Good boy.
[Reaches out hand with the key, but Jack stops him]
Jack:
Dude, are you sure this is the best way? I mean we could just-
Henry:
Absolutely this is the best way! It's full proof, nothing could possibly
go wrong.
[Everyone puts their cell phones in a basket, and hands it and the key to Tim. All but Tim enter the through the right door]
Margret [aside to Sara]:
Can we trust these guys, I mean what if they try something?...
Sara [ aside to Margret]:
No problem, I got protection, just in case.
Henry:
Alright! We, as fellow classmates, who have been paired together, and why are we here?
Sara:
We have a project?
Henry:
Due?
Margret:
Tomorrow!
Henry:
Very good! And why is that?
Jack:
Cause the teach assigned it to us?
Henry:
Well, I was thinking more along the lines of "We were incredibly lazy and put it off until the absolutely last moment", but that is technically correct, so... Who has written a one act before?
-Beat-
Henry:
Ok, who has written anything, ever?
-Beat-
Henry:
Fine, whatever, it doesn't matter. Does anyone have any ideas?
Margret:
How about a romance?
All but Margret:
NO!
Sara:
After all, we do have to perform this in front of the class, so lets stay away from anything that would imply anything close to good will amongst each other.
Jack: Downer ain't ya?
Henry: I think that it would be hard to write anything like that, and as for performing in front of the class... We'll burn that bridge when we get to it.
Jack:
How about somthin' actiony?
Margret:
We don't have time to choreograph anything, which also knocks out anything with dancing...
Sara:
I got this, here's the title: The life and times of the gray stone, don't have to worry about blocking for it.
Henry:
No, Kyle's group is doing that, and believe me when I say I fought him tooth and nail for it. Besides, we need something... EPIC! I want to do a fantasy adventure. The story of a handsome hero and his trusted fairy sidekick as they kick the evil overlords-
Jack:
Didn't we just say that action was too much effort?
Margret:
Besides, it's only ten minutes.
Henry:
What?
Margret: The one act, it only has to be ten minutes.
Henry:
Really?
Sara:
Yeah, the teacher told us. Don't you two pay attention.
Jack:
Not really.
[Henry grabs a drink and sits down in between the girls]
Margret:
Hey!
Sara [Digusted] :
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Henry:
Calm down, do you realize how easy it is to write a ten minute play? Any idiot could do it. Besides, all work and no play make Henry a dull boy.
Sara:
First of all, I will pretend that you never uttered that phrase. Second, You will remove yourself from this piece of furniture without causing any sort of residual damage or disturbance or god forbid , casualty. That way it may go through a purging process to remove any taint that you have left behind. And no, I do not care that this is your couch, we very attractive ladies are sitting on it, so hence it is ours. If you refuse to comply, I will be forced to resort to corporeal punishment. And by that I mean electricity; lots and lots of electricity. That electricity will travel into your body and be converted to raw pain signals, sent from your body to your brain, making you believe that you are burning alive even though in reality you are only jittering and shaking as your nerves slowly attempt to reconnect themselves in order to perhaps try to fend me off. Alas, no, because in a poor accident, a large amount of voltage will find itself jammed into where your future children reside. This will make sure that you never trouble a woman the bother of carrying your children , while at the same time create a better world by ridding your stupidity and incompetence from the human gene pool. And years from now, when you are dying alone, not even supported by a hospital, you will look back and say with your last breath, "I am… so sorry…"
Henry:
Well, that was frighteningly specific.
[Henry gets up from the couch.
Margret:
Can we please just focus on thinking of an idea, seriously this time.
Jack:
Yeah man, I just want this to be over with.
Henry:
Fine, lets think.
[Time passes]
[Jack moans (Haku suggested overly sexual)]
Henry:
Jack, be quiet, we need to brainstorm.
-Beat-
Sara:
What time is it?
Margret:
I don't know, do either of you guys have a watch?
Jack and Henry:
No.
Henry:
And there's no clocks in here...
Sara:
I wonder, whose brilliant idea was it to leave our cell phones out there?
Henry:
I didn't want any distractions-
Sara:
You were the first one to take a break!
Jack:
Guys, can we just stop for a bit, my head hurts.
Sara:
What did I just say?
Margret:
Hey now give him a break, this is tiring.
Sara:
Not you too!
Jack:
Ugh, I'm going to the bathroom, anything to escape this bitch of a racket.
[Exeunt Jack]
Sara:
Oh no you did-
[Door slams and locks]
Sara:
-n't
Margret:
Ummm, he kinda just did...
Sara:
I know. Hey, Henry, do you possibly have any thoughts that are on a ever so slightly higher intellectual level as the idea of locking us in this room in the first place?
-Beat-
Henry:
I...
Sara:
Yes? If you're going to start a thought, at least attempt to finish it.
Henry:
I have an idea!
Sara:
Oh happy day!
Margret:
Shush now, before you knock it out of him.
Henry:
We can look up ideas on... [Dun dun dun!] the Internet!
Margret:
Never mind.
Sara:
Thanks for getting our hopes up!
Henry:
No, listen. The main problem with all of this is that we have nothing to jump off of, right? Therefore, once we have an idea, which the Internet has a surplus of, we can finish this assignment in record time!
[During all of this, Tim has pushed a couch to the door to barricade it, as well as putting on headphones to block out noise]
Henry: Hey! [Knocks on door] Hey, listen!
-Beat-
Shit.
Sara:
Whats wrong?
Henry:
He's not responding.
Margret:
Well we don' have the script, so he can't open the door. I'm sure his non-response is just his way of encouraging us.
Henry:
Dammit, we're rats in a cage.
Margret:
A vicious circle.
Sara:
Why did I ever agree to this?
-Beat-
Henry:
Well, -sigh- it looks like we only have one option.
Sara:
Really?
Margret:
What is it?
[Henry runs to the other door]
Henry:
Jack! Jack I need you!
Jack:
Just a moment.
[ sound of pouring liquid]
Ahhh...
[Jack throws open the door, bottle in hand]
I have heard your prayer, and after much reflection on the toilet, I have a solution.
Henry:
What? What is it?
Jack:
In this bottle lies a special liquid, that, when ingested, increases your energy exponentially.
Sara:
Whats the catch?
Jack:
Sadly, your life expectancy might drop a bit, but a couple of months when you're 110 years old is nothing.
Margret: That's crazy.
Henry:
So crazy, it just might-
Sara:
No no, just take the damn medicine already.
Henry:
Alright, bottoms up.
[Drinks medicine]
-Beat-
[Henry runs over to paper and starts working]
Henry:
Oh yes, this goes here, and that goes there. Everything is coming together perfectly!
Sara:
Holy crap, this is really good! Go Henry go!
Margret:
How did you find this miraculous medicine?
Jack:
The sink.
Margret:
The sink?
Jack:
It's water. In a fancy bottle.
Margret:
B-but how is he?...
Jack:
Ever hear of a placebo?
Margret:
A what?
Jack [to himself]:
For crying out loud.
Jack [to Margret]:
You know what, it's magic. I cast a spell on the water to to give whoever drinks it a renewed energy.
Margret:
That's amazing!
Jack:
That it is. Say, do you want to see another spell?
Margret:
Of course!
Jack:
Alright, close your eyes.
Margret:
But If my eyes are closed how will I see it?
Jack:
Just go with it.
[Margret closes eyes, Jack begins chanting]
Do you feel the magic?
Margret:
You bet I do!
Jack:
Alright, when I snap my fingers you will fall madly in love with the first person you see.
[Snaps finger]
Margret:
Jack, is that you?
Jack:
Yes?
Margret [speaks with something like disgust in her voice]
You... You're just.
Jack:
I know...
Margret:
So incredibly sexy.
Jack:
What now?
Margret:
I can't really explain it, but I think I love you, beyond all rhyme or reason I love you with all my soul and being.
[Jack shrugs to the audience]
Jack:
Hey, after this, do you want to go have-
Henry:
Done!
Sara:
Oh merciful heavens he finished!
[Turns to Henry]
That was so amazing-
[Henry cuts her off with a kiss. She slaps him and stabs him with a stun gun]
Henry:
AHHH!
Jack:
What the hell?
Margret:
Sara, what did you do?
Sara:
Just in case... And you!
Jack:
Me?
Sara:
Yes you, why did he do that?
Jack:
First off, I'm not his therapist, I don't know what convoluted things involving a USB cord and a tape measure goes on inside his head. But if I were to hazard a guess, I would say that he had some residual energy left over?
Margret:
Well he appears to have plenty of electrical energy now.
[Henry stumbles to his feet]
Henry:
What just happened?
Sara:
Nothing but a few thousand volts here and there. Oh, and the assignment is done.
Henry:
Seriously? That means we can leave!
Jack:
Suppose so yeah.
[Slides script under door]
Henry:
Tim! Oi, little bro, the scripts done.
[Tim snores]
Sara:
For crying out loud.
Jack:
Now what?
Margret:
Oh oh, use your magic Master!
Henry:
When did Jack become?...
Jack:
Alright! Now let me think.
-Beat-
Jack:
Why don't we just walk around?
Henry:
Walk around?
Sara:
What do you mean?
Jack:
Just follow me.
[They walk around the door]
Sara:
How did you-
Margret:
You're amazing Master!
Jack:
Yeah, just a bit.
Henry:
Hey Jack, lend me hand here.
[The two boys flip the couch, while the girls pick up the script. Then they all walk out, except Tim]
FIN
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