Meta: Or How We Stopped Worrying and Learned to Write a One Act: Scene Two

Meta: Or How We Stopped Worrying and Learned to Write a One Act:

Scene Two

by

Sean Jones

[Curtains open, showing Margret in a medieval like dress, brushing her hair]

Margret:

Oh alas and alas, alack and alack. My days, filled with nothing but the most tedious and romantic of activities, toil on without notice, as my chambermaids and noble ladies of my court now are completely enthralled in their own passionate lives, filled with love and adventure that only ones other half, their soul mate, can bring. Oh, I wish that my own existence would be validated by a nice, handsome man. It may be a bit petty and shallow. Alright… There is a high amount of pettiness and shallowness involved. But that isn't the point. I am a princess; I should have more people proposing to me than that idiot Kyle. He proposed in such a dull and gray manner.

[Enter Henry in a fancy shirt]

Henry:

Miss, I could not help but hear your magnificently crafted words that seem to be transcribed by the absolute genius that exist inside all humans' hearts. Or by me. But truly, what is the difference?

Margret:

The difference is that I do not care for all men's hearts, only the entirety of one single man, could you be that one?

Henry [Aside]:

I freaking love being the playwright

Henry:

I think that I could, you know, mayhaps give you my whole self, on the condition that you give me yourself to me in all your splendid glory.

Margret [ Scathingly]:

Ah, your words are matched only by your face and looks. Come sit.

Henry:

That was written to be a compliment.

Margret:

Be quiet dearest, otherwise you might spoil the mood.

Henry:

Yes, the mood. Back to that. *Ahem* Your eyes sparkle like the moon lit sky, giving me the rare privilege of the stars being so close to me. Your lips are full and exotic that they make even me seem blank and boorish in your company. And your bosom is so-

Margret:

I'm going to cut you off there.

Henry:

But I had another two paragraphs to go!

Margret:

*Sigh* I never would have thought that I would ever say this, even if it is in the script. Would you consider skipping the whole "woo the women" part and kiss me instead?

Henry:

Gladly.

[They lean into a kiss; eyes closed. Jack walks in dressed in robes. He gets behind them and claps his hands. They freeze. He grabs Margret's arm.]

Jack:

And you thought that Magic was fake.

[He drags her offstage, leaving Henry alone. Once offstage, there is a loud clap that snaps him out of it. Henry falls forward.]

Henry:

What in the sweet slithering snakes was that? Where did my marvelous… what was her name?

Offstage Whisper :

Margret.

Henry:

Oh yes, my marvelous Margret! Oh, why have you forsaken me? Oh what a cruel world!

[Collapse to ground and starts weeping, Enter Sara in a fairy costume]

Sara:

Hey. [doesn't respond] Hey, listen. [doesn't respond. She kicks him.] HEY!

Henry:

*Groan* What do you want?

Sara:

For you to listen obviously.

Henry:

Well I am.

Sara:

I saw what happened.

Henry:

Don't bring that up.

Sara:

But I know where to Margret.

Henry [jumps to his feet]:

Margret! Where is she? And more importantly, who is she again?

Sara:

The women you were just about to kiss…

Henry:

Ah yes, of course. Where is she?

Sara:

She was kidnapped by the super evil sorcerer, Jack.

Henry:

That's a really stupid name.

Sara:

I know. Anyway, he took her to his evil lair.

Henry:

Where is this lair?

Sara:

I don't actually know, I do however have this convenient map. [Pulls out paper]

Henry:

That is part of the script.

Sara:

Shut up, it's a map.

[Henry snatches the map]

Henry:

In that case, I'll lead us to his castle.

Sara:

Not a castle. Its a fortress.

Henry:

Fortress schmotress, its that way.

[Points off stage]

Sara:

Are you sure? It looks to be that way.

[Points opposite of Henry]

Henry:

Don't be silly, lets go.

[Walks offstage. Lights darken. Lights come back up. Talk while going to other side.]

Sara:

I said that we-

Henry:

Shut up.

Sara:

The maps says-

Henry:

Shut up.

Sara:

East is not opposite of north.

Henry:

SHUT UP!

Sara:

Cam I just say one more thing?

Henry:

No.

Sara:

I told you so.

[Exit Henry and Sara]

[Blackout]

[Lights on]

Henry:

Well that was easy. You would think that he would have a moat or something.

Sara:

Moats are horribly expensive and mostly for show.

Henry:

I'm surprised that there aren't any guards. You figure that an evil wizard would have a minion or two, but it looks like-

[Guard jumps onstage]

Aha, you fell for my brilliant plot for living you out by insulting your master.

Guard:

Actually, I was getting dressed. What kind of moron invades a fortress in the middle of the day? You woke me from my nap.

Henry:

Shut up! My plan worked didn't I?

Sara:

You're all morons.

Guard:

No matter. I am here now. For the past years I've worked here and not one intruder has disturbed the master. He is so incredibly sure of my capabilities that he fired all the other guards. I know in my soul that you! Shall! Not! Pass!

[Charges Henry, who dispatches him instantly]

Sara:

Well that was anticlimactic.

Henry:

You were a worthy soldier, and I value your resistance.

[Exit Henry and Sara]

[Blackout. Lights up. Doors on each end.]

[Henry and Sara enter through one of the doors.]

Henry:

Where is he, where is the scoundrel Jack!

*Beat*

You sure this is the right place?

Sara:

No, but feel free to check every room in this fortress until you find them.

Henry:

I'd rather not.

*Offstage giggling*

What was that?

Sara:

The lascivious pleasings of a lute?

Henry:

What?

Sara:

A girl, most likely Margret.

Henry:

Who was she again?

Sara:

For crying out loud! She's the girl you've been searching for!

Henry:

Oh her, where is she?

Sara:

Probably somewhere in this room.

Henry:

Dammit! She could be anywhere!

Sara:

Well there is one door, which is where the sound is coming from…

*Beat*

Screw it.

[Opens door, Margret and Jack fall out, clearly just previously making out.]

Henry:

My soul and body! What is going on?

Sara:

When a man and a woman love each other-

Henry:

Not you, them!

Jack:

Well I was kissing this girl, how about you?

Henry:

I was busting my butt, crossing nonexistent moats, getting lost and eventually getting unlost, and fighting guards, all to save her! Which is why I shall now rescue you from his tyrannical grip.

*Beat*

I'm over here you know.

Margret:

I don't want to leave.

Henry:

I'm sorry what?

Margret:

I love this man. With all my heart and soul I love him.

Sara:

Oh my god more flashbacks.

Jack:

Will you please leave me now; I have things to see and people to do.

Henry:

No, I refuse! I reject your lines and substitute my own!

Jack:

Is it possible for you to make sense? Because right now I highly doubt that.

Henry:

Fight sir, and face my wrath!

Jack:

Alright.

[Claps his hands; everyone freezes. Jack walks up and punches him. Clap again and unfreeze]

I win.

Henry:

Dirty cheat! Resorting to cheap tricks!

Jack:

Would you prefer if I fought one handed?

Henry [Muttering]:

Yes please…

Jack:

Very well

[Pulls out wand]

Prepare to die.

Henry:

Crap, Little Bro/Sis!

[Enter younger sibling, who curls up into a ball. Henry crouches behind him/her]

HA HA! Now that I am in cover, I get a 4+ cover save which ignores your low Armor Piercing wand.

Jack:

Ignoring the technical jargon, you still aren't in cover. I can see you perfectly.

Henry:

No you can't

Jack:

Yes I can.

Henry:

No you can't!

Jack:

Yes I can, yes I can!

Henry:

Really? How many fingers am I holding up?

Jack:

Three.

*Beat*

Henry:

You still can't hit me…

Jack:

Watch me! *Begins chanting*

Sara:

Oh no, the super ultra unblockable instant death curse spell.

Jack:

Abracadabra!

Henry:

You missed.

Jack:

No I didn't, it hit you in the side!

Henry:

Then it passed through my clothing!

Jack:

Argh… Fine! Abracadabra!

Henry:

Miss.

Jack:

Abracadabra!

Henry:

Miss.

Jack:

Abracadabra!

Henry:

Miss.

Jack:

Abracadabra!

Henry:

Miss.

Sara:

Henry. Aren't you going to fight back?

Henry:

I was just waiting for an opening like the one you just gave me!

[Stands up]

D5!

Jack:

H-hit, you sunk… my battleship.

[Collapses]

Margret:

No!

[Rushes over to him]

Why? Why did you have to die?

Henry:

Because he was shooting me, weren't you paying attention?

Sara:

Henry, shut up.

Margret:

If only you could revive yourself and get up, to be with me again!

Henry:

That would ruin the sanctity of life and death! He awakening from eternal sleep violates all laws that nature has put in place-

Jack [Gets up]:

I'm up.

Margret:

Oh my soul and body!

Henry:

That isn't fair!

Jack:

Neither is Death, which I just avoided. Ha.

Henry:

I give up, kill me now.

Jack:

I don't care if you're dead, I just want you to leave us alone.

Sara:

I'll make sure he does that.

Jack:

Let's go my Dove

Margret:

Yes master!

[Exit Jack and Margret]

Sara:

Hey, you alright?

Henry:

Yeah, I'm just…

Sara:

Disappointed and ugly?

Henry:

Yes… wait…

Sara:

Don't e, you'll find another girl at some point I'm sure.

Henry:

Maybe, maybe not.

Sara:

Don't go emo on me now.

Henry:

Give me one good reason not to.

[Sara leans in and kisses him on the cheek]

Sara:

No more emo yes? [Henry nods] See you at the cast party.

[Exit Sara]

Henry:

Ha. Ha ha. *Laughter* I guess it really is true [Turns to audience]

Even an idiot like me can write a ten minute play.

[Exit Henry]

FIN